Refusing to do chores for your spouse... for equality! (06-14-2024--Hour3)

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[00:00:29] Last hour, we were talking about daycare and in a related story. Are there things that you won't do for your spouse? Like come up with an excuse for them for work like the daycare is okay, whatever. There are things that apparently Paige Connell, Connell, Connell, Paige Connell.

[00:00:52] There are seven things she won't do for her husband, she says. I don't know if there are only seven things. Maybe bury a body would be eight. I don't know. But she is a working mom of four and a popular social media personality who discusses mom's

[00:01:10] mental load and advocates for equality in relationships. You know where this is going. Because just if you just read that sentence alone, you might think, okay, well, that's not so. Okay, so she's a working mom. She got four kids. Okay.

[00:01:29] She and her husband and she does some social media stuff. So she's influencer. I don't know what her full time job is, but she's just working mom of four popular social media personality. But maybe that's her job. I don't know.

[00:01:41] And she talks about the mental load on moms. Okay. And advocates for equality in relationships. Okay. I'm my wife and I, we are equal in our relationship. I have a chart and I check off how many times I've unloaded the dishwasher.

[00:02:00] And as soon as she falls behind, I'm like, yo, Christie, your turn. You better unload that dishwasher equality right there. I have turned down pay raises. So this way we make the same amount of money. Like, no, no, no.

[00:02:13] Unless you're going to give my wife a pay raise. Sorry. And she has done the same for me. No, I would not turn down a pay raise. For the record, for the, if the bosses are listening, I'm not turning down any pay raises.

[00:02:31] Yeah, that was just a joke. Okay. Recently she struck a nerve on Tik Tok with a video where she admitted that she doesn't do certain things for her husband. And I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm talking about household chore related things. Okay.

[00:02:52] For example, she refuses to do her husband's laundry. Now the first thing I thought was maybe he's nasty and maybe you don't want to touch his laundry. That's possible. Like, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't have good grooming or something. I don't know.

[00:03:18] But when you listen to what she says here, it's very clear that's not the reason. She just doesn't do his laundry because equality or something. Okay. So I've got this clip. I pulled it a little while ago. It's been like, I've been waiting to do this story.

[00:03:34] It's a Friday. So I figured let's just do it because I'm running out of time where this thing, the story shall expire, you know? And so here's what she said. I'm pretty sure it's cleaned up, but just be ready with the dump button. I will be as well.

[00:03:47] That's not a reference to the laundry. It's a radio thing. It's delay. We dump out of the live and okay, because I'm pretty sure it's all cleaned up. But okay, let's take a look. A few weeks ago, I said, I don't do my husband's laundry.

[00:03:59] And a lot of people are saying, whoa, whoa, whoa. Those are small acts of kindness. Why wouldn't you want to do that for your partner? But here's the thing. Small acts of kindness. Okay, here's an act of kindness. I would request stop with the vocal fry. Holy smokes.

[00:04:12] Oh, my gosh. You can hear the vocal fry in her voice. It's like this crackling, sizzling sound that people do with their voice. It's not good for your vocal cords, people. You're going to sound like you're 90 when you're in your 50s.

[00:04:29] How do you think I sound so young? No vocal fry. See how deep and rich that is? I could go, I don't like this at the end of every single sentence, but it's painful. It's counterproductive and it's annoying to listen to. Okay.

[00:04:45] That are mostly domestic labor just add up to work at the end of the day. I'm going to stop it again because this is the point she's saying that the chores around the house just add up to domestic labor and that's work.

[00:05:01] Yeah, I think as a nation we need to revisit Mary Poppins, the movie. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. If you make clean up a game, just like you teach your kids, clean up, clean up.

[00:05:17] Would you sing that song to your kids to get them to feel like it's a game, right? You trick them into thinking this is fun. It's not fun. Cleaning up is not fun. Now when you're done cleaning up, it's not so bad, right?

[00:05:30] I prefer to have a tidy place, you know? I think most people do and people who say, oh no, a cluttered mind is or no, a cluttered desk is the sign of a brilliant mind. No, it's not. It's not a sign of a brilliant mind.

[00:05:46] In fact, you're actually probably just like steeped in anxiety because you're just surrounded by clutter that you're afraid at any moment is going to collapse onto you and smother you and nobody's even going to know you're there until they smell the body a couple weeks later, you know?

[00:06:01] All right, here I'm going to re-rack this and we'll listen again. I've got to hear this vocal fry again. Oh my gosh. A few weeks ago I said I don't do my husband's laundry and a lot of people are saying, whoa,

[00:06:10] whoa, whoa, those are small acts of kindness. Why wouldn't you want to do that for your partner? But here's the thing, small acts of kindness that are mostly domestic labor just add up to work at the end of the day.

[00:06:19] So here's a list of things that I don't do for my husband. You all know I don't do his laundry. He can do that himself. I do my laundry and we do the kids laundry, but he does his own. I don't cook dinner.

[00:06:30] He cooks dinner every single night. I do breakfast and lunch for us and our kids. I don't pack him a lunch. If he's hungry, he'll figure out what he's going to eat for lunch the same way that I do. I don't make his doctor's appointments because guess what?

[00:06:41] He's not making mine. Would it be kind of me to do that for sure? Is it my job? Absolutely not. I want him to be healthy, but he's a grown ass man and he can book his own appointments. Wait a minute. Who does that? John Moore. Wow.

[00:06:53] You're married, aren't you? Oh my goodness. Amazingly enough. Yeah. Surprisingly. Right. John Moore. How long have you been married? 21 years. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. No, that's great. So does your wife make your doctor's appointments for you? She's been known to help out in that department.

[00:07:11] Oh my God. Usually, no. It's me. She keeps them on the calendar to remind me that, oh, by the way, you got an appointment this Friday. Right. That kind of thing. Right. But when you are at the doctor's office, you're done with the appointment.

[00:07:28] You walk out and you have to hit the desk. You got to pay the bill or whatever. And what do they usually ask you at that moment? When do you want your next appointment? And I said it. Myself. Who did?

[00:07:42] Like, what kind of who comes up with this rule? What kind of a maniac comes up with this kind of a rule? I'm not going to make your doctor's appointments. Okay, well, I didn't ask you to make my doctor's appointment. Like, who does that?

[00:07:56] Why would you put that on a list of things that you're not going to do? Like I refuse to make your doctor's appointments. You're going to just die. There might be some more there behind the scenes that we don't know about. Oh, cow. Right.

[00:08:11] I'm starting to question anybody that watches this woman's channel. Right? Is she actually giving them tips on how to kill their husbands or something? I don't watch the channel. I'm not going to either. She has now listed she doesn't do his laundry. She will do her laundry separately.

[00:08:33] She will then do the kids laundry, but they split that. Now, I don't know. They got four kids, so I'm not sure. How are they allocating that? So it's completely equal. Are you doing like a by weight? Is it a weight thing?

[00:08:45] Because then I could see, like, you may have a couple of the younger kids. You could end up with three of the younger kids because they're smaller and their clothes don't weigh as much.

[00:08:53] If you got one really older kid, maybe they're a little on the porky side or something. Maybe their clothes weigh more. So you can't do it by weight. That wouldn't be right. How is that? Well, I mean, would that be equity? Would that be equitable?

[00:09:06] Would that be equal and equality? I don't know. It sounds like maybe you just divide up by the kid. Maybe you take the oldest and the youngest, and then dad takes the two middles or something. Or maybe it's by gender, if you can know such a thing.

[00:09:19] Like, maybe you do it, okay, you wash the boys' clothes with your clothes, dad, because they're two boys, two girls. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of all the angles here, because this is such a stupid idea. You really don't want to do your husband's laundry.

[00:09:33] Here's the thing. Christy does my laundry. Christy does her laundry. Christy will do everybody's laundry. I have never met a person in my life that loves to do laundry more than my wife does. And when I say loves to do it, loves to do it.

[00:09:50] I don't understand it. We got married. I was 30, I think, when we got married. I had been doing my laundry since I was in college. You separate the colors and the whites and everything? Right. That's it. I got two groups, right?

[00:10:06] You got clothes that have color on them, and you get whites. And with the whites, you bleach the bejeebus out of that. That's like, that was sufficient for me. Christy has like eight piles going. She has it all sorted out based on fabric types.

[00:10:23] And so I could do the laundry, but she doesn't like the way I do laundry. See, that's, I suspect this is what is at play here. Not with me and Christy, like I said. Like, because I have asked, we have had lengthy conversations about this.

[00:10:42] She loves doing laundry. She loves the way it smells. She loves the process. She loves all of the different detergents and mixing and matching, all of it. It's the darndest thing. I cannot explain it. So I let her have that.

[00:10:58] I am now, because I get off air at three o'clock, I'm usually at the grocery store. I have now taken on the responsibility of grocery shopping. That's not to say she doesn't go pick some stuff up, but she puts it on the list and I go get it.

[00:11:11] Like, what kind of a maniac would not go pick up stuff at the grocery store? She won't cook him dinner. So you're going to make dinner for the kids and the wife and you, right? Like, he has to make dinner for everybody because she's doing breakfast,

[00:11:29] which let's be clear here. The breakfast really- Fry an egg. Not even. It's cereal. Come on now. Like, what are you doing? You know what I'm going to do if like you have to do the dinner? You know what I'm going to do? Cereal for dinner.

[00:11:42] Scrambled eggs for dinner, kids. Again. I got a feeling that there's something else going on, this relationship that they've got. I don't know. I don't want to assume anything, but like, if you're keeping a chart of all the things you won't do, like, why did you get married?

[00:12:00] You realize part of the deal- And I don't know, maybe this is just for us dudes. Like, literally will die for my wife. Like, so unloading a dishwasher is- It's not a thing. You know? Doing laundry? No problem. It beats dying, right?

[00:12:17] Well, I mean, it depends on how bad the load is. But no, seriously, I don't think this is a healthy thing to do. To like say, I'm not going to do this for you. Like, you're like not going to pack him a lunch? I'm okay with that, actually.

[00:12:35] Christy doesn't make my lunch and I don't make Christy's lunch. You make your own lunch, right? My wife makes my lunch. Your wife makes your lunch? She does, but we alternate. Sometimes I make my lunch and sometimes I make her lunch. Does she work outside the house? Yeah.

[00:12:50] So like using the leftovers, sometimes I'll be the one dishes it up or washes the dishes or she might wash them. Like a tag team type of thing. So how do you keep track of what's the score? We don't really keep track of it.

[00:13:03] It just kind of happens. Wait a minute. Every once in a while, the dishwashing thing might be like, hey, you know what? I feel like I've washed a lot of dishes lately.

[00:13:11] And so the other one will jump in and say, okay, well, I'll get them tonight or whatever. So you've actually said that to your wife. I feel like I've washed a lot of dishes lately. Either I've said it or she said it. Okay.

[00:13:23] I'm about to get in trouble. Okay. That means she has said it. So in the morning, alarm goes off. I wake up and I do the pot of coffee. I go into my office and I start my show prep. 6 a.m., wake up call. I've pushed it back.

[00:13:46] I used to get up at 5, but now I started doing some work in the afternoons too. So I've kind of rearranged the day. So we both get up at 6. She starts getting ready and I start doing show prep.

[00:13:55] And if we had run the dishwasher the night before, I will hear her start to unload the dishwasher. And so I will get up and walk and help to unload the dishwasher. Good man. Right. That's what you do. Because she doesn't do it correctly. No, I'm just kidding.

[00:14:14] It's loading the dishwasher. No, we look, everybody disagrees about how to load the dishwasher. All couples disagree on that. I'm convinced, even though I have years of experience in the restaurant industry as a former professional dishwasher, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

[00:14:31] Point is this woman on TikTok, she's got seven things she won't do for her husband. Laundry is one of them. She won't make him dinner. He has to do the dinner for everybody because she says she does the breakfast for her and the kids and makes the lunches.

[00:14:44] So therefore he needs to do dinner. So he comes home from work and he has to make dinner. And doesn't make his lunch for him. He's a grown man. He can figure it out. She doesn't make his doctor's appointments, which Christie has never made a doctor's appointment

[00:14:59] for me. So that's like a completely foreign concept to me. So that's four. What are the other three? Let's see. Picking mine. Would it be kind of me to do that? For sure. Is it my job? Absolutely not. I mean, you said your job.

[00:15:11] Nobody has a job here. You sit down like this is your duty. Your job in this household is to make my lunch. It's just bizarre. I'm to be healthy, but he's a grown ass man and he can book his own appointments, right?

[00:15:27] There's a lot of things that I don't do for my husband. I don't schedule his haircuts. I don't schedule your haircuts. I feel like you're just I feel like you're just throwing stuff on the list now. Right. I feel like this isn't even a real list.

[00:15:41] You don't make you don't make appointments for his haircuts. Who does that? Oh, I'm booked your appointment to the barber. Who does that? Did that used to have was this the way things used to happen in the olden days? I'm unaware of this.

[00:15:55] I'm aware of this assignment of responsibilities. I've never in my life, not even my parents have booked me a barbershop appointment ever. Got a message here on Twitter. Pete, I'm going to guess if that level of minutia is causing friction and taking up

[00:16:14] mental energy, she might just be a miserable human. I think so. Yeah, I could not imagine sitting down and having a conversation with her about these types of things. Like, I would just be like, I'm not asking you to make my haircut appointments or doctor's appointments.

[00:16:35] I never asked you for that. I don't know. Maybe she's younger. So maybe this is a younger generation kind of a thing where they just kind of expect these things. You hear that? Okay, maybe they just expect these kinds of things because mommy did it for them.

[00:16:56] Mommy made my haircut appointments all through college and graduate school and whatever. I don't know, but I would have like no patience to sit down for a conversation about the allocation of meal prep. Jonathan says, Pete, but does your wife fold fitted sheets? That's the real question.

[00:17:22] She does. Christy can fold a fitted sheet alone. I can as well. And I do so. Now it is easier sometimes if you have some help with it, but you don't need, like I can tell you how to do it, but it's difficult to explain.

[00:17:39] But look it up on YouTube because I watched the video one time and I was like, that's brilliant. And now I can fold fitted sheets and Christy can too. You just take the pockets and you just, you spread them out between your two hands, like

[00:17:51] wingspan out, you know, one corner on each hand. And then you take one hand and you fold it over and you loop it over and then that's what, and you tuck it in and then you do the same thing for the other side.

[00:18:03] And then you do it once again to, and then, and then you got your square. See, it's terrible. You gotta see it. Okay. Earl, welcome to the program. Hello, Earl. Hey, how are you doing today? Hey, I'm good. What's up?

[00:18:17] Uh, you know, my wife does the laundry for all of us. This woman, I'm wondering if she is going out there half the time and mowing the grass and trimming and doing the bushes. And I wonder if she takes half that work, right? That's a good question.

[00:18:39] I don't know. They, she does not explain like I'm going to need to see a list of all the chores, right? Every single thing, interior and exterior. If you've got service repairmen coming to the house, I gotta know who all's meeting them.

[00:18:54] Who's taking the car into the shop? Who's changing the oil and stuff. I want to know all of that. Yeah. Does she, does she help paint the fence outside every year or sand the floor? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Right. All of it.

[00:19:10] No, it's a good, it's fair to ask Earl. I appreciate the call. These are fair questions. Okay. So what did we get through here? We got laundry. She doesn't do his laundry. She doesn't make him dinner. He has to do the dinner for everybody.

[00:19:19] Uh, she doesn't make him lunch. She doesn't make the doctor's appointments or the barber shop appointments. Okay. What else do we got? It's one, two, three, four, five. All right, let's say Pack his clothes for vacation. You don't pack his clothes. Who does that?

[00:19:33] Why would you rely on somebody else to pack your clothes for vacation? Pack clothes. That's craziness. I feel like she's just making some of this stuff up. Right? I don't do those things. I don't buy him new underwear when it's got holes in it.

[00:19:48] All of those are things that he's a grown man and he can do himself. So you don't buy him underwear. Okay. No undies. Okay. I don't know if that's just a general prohibition on all clothing purchases.

[00:20:03] Like what if he asked for a new boxers or briefs or boxer briefs or whatever? Like what if he asked for new underwear for Christmas or his birthday? Would you buy it? Would you buy it for him then? He's asking for like for years.

[00:20:18] And everybody that knows me will tell you I don't like accepting gifts. I don't need any gifts. I don't want anybody doing anything like that for me. So for Christmas and birthdays for probably about 15 years, I said, if you want to buy

[00:20:31] me something, money and socks, you give me money or you give me some socks or just take some money and stuff it in the socks. Literally what I would tell people. Unfortunately, I have a lot of socks now. That's one of the downsides on that strategy.

[00:20:47] I have not purchased a pair of socks in probably a decade and I'm still like going through, I have pairs that I've never worn because I have so many socks. And because Christy washes them so often, I never get through the drawer. Right?

[00:21:05] Because like usually like back in my day when I was a bachelor, I only had a certain number of changes of socks and such. And so once I got to the end of the sock drawer and I'm wearing like the crazy socks

[00:21:16] and I want to wear them, I'm like, I got to do laundry. Then I would do laundry. But now I don't even get through them. I get like through like three pairs of socks and I get and then they're all back in the drawer again. No, I'm kidding.

[00:21:26] I do my she doesn't fold my laundry. She doesn't put it away. I do that myself. We had a very long conversation about no, I'm just kidding. We did. All right. What's the last? I think that's seven. One, two, three, four. All right. Those are the seven.

[00:21:39] Can I do small acts of kindness for him? Of course I can. And I do. I buy it because he's creating a vinyl collection. I buy it. I'm at the store and I see something that I think he might enjoy eating. I buy it.

[00:21:48] I find a new non-alcoholic beer that he wants to try out. I buy it. OK, so you're just buying him stuff. You're not doing things. You're just buying him stuff. That's different. See, because the household requires things to be done. Dare I call it work?

[00:22:06] These are chores, right? Everybody should be cleaning. You guys got to be clean. You got four kids. What do you have the kids for? Hello? Labor. You need to put those kids to work, right?

[00:22:18] You need to be tying dust rags to their feet and making them walk all over the place, little Swiffers all over the place, right? Otherwise what is the purpose of that? Right. Those are small acts of kindness.

[00:22:29] Doing his laundry, cooking him dinner, making him lunch, booking his doctor's appointments, all those things, that's domestic labor. Those are chores. Those are not acts of kindness. Do I do them occasionally when he's working a lot? Of course.

[00:22:40] Do I cook dinner sometimes when he's had a really long day? Of course. But me not doing that does not mean that I don't show him love or kindness. They're different things.

[00:22:47] It is not my job as a wife, it is not in my job description to do all the domestic labor as small acts of kindness to my partner and receive nothing in return. Okay. I was unaware there's a job description for wives. I had no idea.

[00:23:01] This changes everything. Okay. I thought I, yeah, I, apparently I have been labor around there under an illusion of what marriage is all this time. Apparently there's, there are job descriptions out there. Maybe there's just one, but you notice what she's doing is she's conflating small acts

[00:23:23] of kindness with quote chores. But that's the thing. Like you have to do these things in the house anyway. They have to get done. You can't be, you can't be offloading all of the responsibility onto your spouse one

[00:23:37] way or the other, but she wants like some sort of credit. I don't know because she won't do these things for him, but they're not just for him. They're for the house, right? Like laundry specifically that's for the house.

[00:23:52] Otherwise like if you want to, you want to go down that path, like we'll see how long it takes. How about this? I'll just keep piling all of my clothes in the corner and it will be a mountain of clothes

[00:24:05] and I will never wear clothes more than once and I will bankrupt us by shopping for new clothes. Like that's how petty this is to me at least. But again, in seriousness, this is why communism fails. This is like this idea here that she's espousing.

[00:24:24] This is why it fails. It's like, oh, that's not my job. I'm not going to do that. Oh, that doesn't count as a little act of kindness. Who said it's an act of kindness? This is crap that just has to get done. Lady.

[00:24:34] No, I'm not going to dust his stuff. I'm only going to dust my stuff. Oh my gosh. All right, let me, I got 30 seconds. I agree with this commenter. If it's going both ways, fantastic. But oftentimes domestic labor, especially when you have children add up.

[00:24:47] And so no, I am not my husband's personal secretary or his personal assistant. I am none of those things. I am his partner. I am his equal and I do not have to do things to cater to him and serve him at all times

[00:24:57] to be kind and loving for him. She's conflating. Nobody said that the, well, maybe somebody in the comment section that she was reading, maybe somebody did tell her that these are small acts of kindness. They can be, but they're not necessarily.

[00:25:15] I would not, Christie making an appointment for me to go see the doctor. I would not count that as domestic labor. And I also wouldn't count it as a small act of kindness.

[00:25:26] That's her like, Pete, you need to go to the doctor because you have this growth on the top of your head or something. And it's gross. Like you need some other reason at play there or why she would be making a doctor's appointment

[00:25:40] or like I am physically unable to make the appointment. Holy smokes. Okay. If you're listening to this podcast, you are obviously paying attention to the world around us. You also have really great taste, I might add.

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[00:26:40] Paige Connell says she doesn't take advice from men because it's not applicable to women. Because they are held to a different standard. Women are held to a different standard, she says. And the whole time I'm listening thinking, where's your kid?

[00:26:54] None of these things are possible with a two year old baby. And then she says, men have women. That's the biggest lesson I've learned. When a man tells us any kind of advice about how they became successful, it's because they had women supporting them.

[00:27:09] You have a dude supporting you, lady! Oh my gosh. All right, let me get Michelle on. Hello, Michelle. Welcome to the show. Hey, thanks Pete. I love your show, by the way. Thank you. A different perspective on this.

[00:27:21] I just jumped in the car and heard the last of it. And I totally disagree. And I feel really sad for this young woman that she is not getting to experience service and love in a relationship. I've been married for almost 39 years and have two grown sons.

[00:27:43] I still fix my guys' plates whenever we have supper if they want me to. I still serve that way. And likewise, my husband does the same thing. It's just a precious, precious thing that she's missing out on.

[00:27:56] Yeah, well first of all, congratulations on the duration of your marriage. That's remarkable. And we should all be so lucky. And I think you're exactly right. It is a warped view of the nature of the relationship, I think. It is.

[00:28:14] Service, and that goes outside the bounds of marriage. If people would just look at things from the basic, just as simple as you can and say, this is another human being that I could do something nice for and serve in some way.

[00:28:28] You get so much more out of it. And don't look to other people. My husband told me early on in our marriage, we had a rough patch. And I said, I'm just not happy.

[00:28:36] And he said, well, you need to go somewhere where you're going to be happy because I'm not responsible for that. And it changed my life, my perspective on how I looked at things and our relationship as well. I'm very blessed to have a good guy.

[00:28:49] Michelle, thanks for the call. Have a great weekend. You as well. I appreciate it. So Tim Carney at the Washington Examiner, he says her worldview is that a marriage is like any other contractual relationship and only a fool would do any more than he or she is required.

[00:29:08] That's the worldview she's espousing. She calls it domestic labor. That's not my job. That's not in my job description. This isn't merely the impatient ranting of a stressed out mom of young kids. It's the cogent articulation of an entire anthropology, one that holds individual autonomy

[00:29:25] as the highest good and one ought only do what one has explicitly agreed to do. Susie Orman, the personal finance celebrity, says the same thing. Couples should keep their finances separate, keep a strict ledger, right? Make sure everybody is balanced out evenly.

[00:29:45] Marriage is an odd fit for this worldview. Marriage involves laying down your life for the other, and that results in two people becoming intertwined, but that intertwining undermines autonomy. And that's what she is valuing above the relationship. All right, that'll do it for this episode.

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